"The TV antenna was loose on my roof and I decided to repair it myself. Being very safety conscious, I tied a rope to the bumper of my Land Rover, threw it over the roof, and climbed up the other side and tied it round my waist. While I was working on the roof my stupid bitch of wife decided to go Christmas shopping in my car. The cow dragged me over the apex of the roof onto the concrete driveway below. I'm now a sad bastard quadriplegic.